Trying to Stay the Course

Before I could finish the entries that started the blog, I found myself back in my head and had to just bleed out a little and not let it affect me and stay buoyant as life tries to send me down in the valley and I fall off into the hole on the way down.

Came home today and my air condition was a bit wonky. I’ve been having problems with it and thought I got it taken care of a few weeks ago, but walking into the house today and I was confronted with the fact that I may not have. So, needless to say, that sent me in a bit of a spiral. I’m doing pretty good with it. In the past, I would have been messed up about it. Especially since I have someone staying here and I feel like a failure for having something like this happen. I’m aware of the part of me that says this is my fault and I should have known better, but I’m trying not to give in to that part of it and remain attached and focused on other things and see the lesson or the bright side of all this, but it is not easy. I’m not used to all of this and it's hard getting your head to go a different way when it’s been wired over forty plus years.

They aren’t home now and I’m sitting under a fan so not so bad. I just worry about the night time and want to make sure they are comfortable. It is that part, that bit of stress that I know it is me putting on myself, that is providing the angst and I find I’m having trouble letting go. Then, as if on cue, that leads to the ego talking smack and chiding me for not anticipating it, for being a failure, and letting things fall down around me. Again, its voice isn’t as loud as it has been in the past and I’m able to figuratively star at it without really feeling anything, but the thoughts still cut somewhat.

Another factor and worry that is rattling around is the fact that I don’t have any money to fix it. Well, I can fix it if it's less than $1,000 but the guy I had take a look at it last time said if I run into problems sooner than a month out then it could mean I need a new unit and that could cost a bit more. So, that starts up another series of thoughts. Me being angry at it breaking now. Me being frustrated that I can get a hold of the company that installed it and brushed me off the last time I called.

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It was back in late spring or summer and during the height of COVID and they said that they were only going to customer’s homes that were clients of theirs. They couldn’t find my information in the system, so they didn’t come out. Now, I may have let the maintenance plan expired but I should have been in the system, they have been the only people that have come out since I brought the place. In fact, they were the first service company I called when moved in and had to get a new furnace soon after I moved in. So, needless to say, there is frustration there that I’m trying to release and let go of. It happens for a reason, right?

Then there is that statement right there; “It happens for a reason.” Does it really? What is the reason? Why do I have to go through this lesson? Why do I have to experience this reason? What is it supposed to teach me? It’s not helping me with the outcome. There is a chance I will be hot a miserable tonight? Why do these things always happen to me? All of this, all of these thoughts are swimming through my head. I hear them, see them for what they are but still can’t seem to release them and get to a point where I am calm and at peace. I don’t understand this journey and process. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do and how to act. I’m just hoping that by bleeding a little here that I made room to process things and that one day, hopefully, one day soon, I don’t experience these moments or I can go long periods of time before I have to experience them and I enjoy the peace and life between them.

When faced with these things in the past, I would end up chucking faith out the window and wallowing in despair. Tonight, I've typed this out, done some writing, kept reminding myself that I need to stay the course so that I can get to a point where I don't have to worry about money again and I have what I need so that if, and when, something breaks, I don't have to worry about fixing it because I have it all right there.

Please let that time come quickly! I'm ready to live that life!

- Invisible Man

10/22/2020