REALIZATION

Photo byKhánh Trung Lê on Unsplash

I realized a source of angst for me is feeling this need to be everything to everybody. Well, not so much everything to everybody, but everything to most people! There are a few people that I ain’t doin’ shit for!

But, driving home, in what I clearly know was an extensional moment brought on by my mind, I realized that I want to be a good black man to help other black men behind. I realize I want to be the best friend because I don’t want anyone to leave me, I realized I need to break stereotypes because I have a mission that was given to me by someone to represent all black men, and finally I realized that if I’m not good at one or any of those things then it all comes down and I let everyone down. Ultimately, it all comes down to me.

Now, I know none of that is true! However, getting the mind to know that and let it go is the problem.

What brought this on: Well, the neighbors moved out (they are not part of the minority) and they left their furniture out. I guess it's stuff they are throwing away but apparently, they never called waste management to get it out. So, it’s been sitting there. I avoided it saying it’s not my problem. Mind yo business. They really wouldn’t be that rude? I ran the gamut and let it sit. Now, mind you I get a notice from my HOA about my driveway and I’m stressing and figuring I have to take care of it quickly. If I can’t because of money then I’m all moody, stressed, and thinking about what the neighbors must think of me as a black man? Neighbors moved out and leaving their large trash next to mind and I still feel like it’s on me and worried about what the neighbors think of me as a black man!

Why didn’t he do anything? I would have…blah! Blah! Blah!

I guess if I’m honest, why I haven’t done anything? It’s not my problem. I have made a conscious decision not to take on other people’s problems and make them my own. At some point, I was going to end up calling waste to come to get it, but I wanted to see who would step up or if the problem would be rectifying itself. I didn’t feel the need or desire to take on that added energy?

Did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? I mean, I can go out there and start moving it around but it's just me. A black man out moving furniture by himself? Even though these neighbors know they’ve seen me, they would deny knowing me, and not a nan would come out and help even knowing a storm is approaching.

I’m tired but I know I won’t be able to sleep even if I do have some wine and 420 to take the edge off. Are we the only ones who come with added stress? I need to go and find my terms of this lifetime and the contract I signed? I need to know if it mentioned being black came with all this added spiritual pressure. If not, I want to void this thing!

I think I missed the bus on it though. There is way too much there and part of me says that this really is a lesson. The problem is the other part of me isn’t listening. But, what can I do? Move it myself?!

It really feels like I am being told that I take on too much and this problem isn’t mine, but the ego is saying, “yea, but if it hits your car it will be your problem.”

Let’s play this out:

• I have insurance.

• But you gonna have to go through the hassle of all that and they are still going to talk about your black ass for leaving it out there. They would have…

• You ain’t them! They had just as much opportunity to take care of it for the greater good. They wouldn’t even consider me in the same way.

• See, there you go! Now you’re coming to our side!

• That’s the wrong side?

• So, I should try and move some things?

It could go on and on…

The decision I make for tonight is to leave it. So, I’m siding with the earlier call of leaving the old furniture from the (moved out) neighbors out there because I don’t have the energy to take on the world’s problems tonight. I’ve been working and letting things flow, but something is screaming, “That’s not what they’re talking about fool!”

Decision made. I have nothing else to do but sit with that decision.