Let It Begin!

I have been feeling down lately and not really sure why. Things were looking up at work, I have been writing more and feeling like there was light at the end of the tunnel, but I still felt down and unfulfilled. I keep having to spar with the ego or watch him very closely. When I least expect it he will shout out, "You're black and ugly!" or "Nobody loves you!" and it is at random times and may come when I'm not feeling triggered by something, but those statements end up triggering me.

I've done well and pushed it back and I'm not feeling completely lost, like I have felt in years past. Truth be told, had I not reached out to a friend of mine just to check-in and told them that I was feeling kinda blah, did I realize that I am in the Doldrum Triangle.

I coined the turn Doldrum Triangle to refer to the period of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas when my depression gets bad. I think the more accepted term is SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) I'm doing better than I have done in years past but with everything going on this year, the timing got away from me. It doesn't even feel like we should be in the holidays yet.

As I said, I've kept them at bay, and it's not as bad as it has been in years past but still, a chore to get through. Still difficult to actually FEEL and find JOY but I'm trying.

The idea for this blog started four days ago after waking up and just feeling empty. I've come to embrace the empty but I still fear it. The empty is peaceful but still too empty and gives the ego and the mind a chance to gang up on me and get me to think thoughts that are not healthy. As I said, I've kept them at bay and its not as bad as it has been in years past but still a chore to get through. Still difficult to actually FEEL and find JOY but I'm trying. One thing that is different from previous times is that I do feel that things are looking up and that I'm close to achiving something...well, not just something, but the thing/things that I want yet still feel stuck and frustrated about the timing.

There is more to come! I don't like that this is the first entry and this is how I open the doors and let people in (Trust me, this is a topic we are going to be diving into heavily), but I had to get it off my chest and out of my mind. If you stick around you'll find that this blog will be more about me bleeding out to no one and because of nothing in particular. It is just a way for me to get things off my chest and breathe a little. Give me space, room, and time to think. More importantly, to do it constructively and in a way that is meaningful instead of wallowing in my misery.

For now, it's 8:10am. I am tired! Another thing about SADs is it makes it difficult to sleep, so I'm going to try and get some more shut eye. Maybe escape into dreamland a little and then get up and be productive (somewhat). Let's see how it goes.

- Invisible Man