Here We Go Again!

I wrote this on lunch break after a conversation I had with my boss on recent changes to our team and organization. I was given "feedback" that bothered me.

I have mixed feelings on the people who say that when you are at work you need to show a little bit of personality and share about yourself. I get it and believe that to a certain degree they aren’t wrong, but I wonder how many people really look at themselves when they say that and ask if they have the personality, or oversee an environment, where someone can show a little bit of personality and share something about themselves? I would hazard a guess that nine times out of ten, they don’t.

I’ve been known to share that advice myself to newbies coming to my office for meet and greets and to the ones that I really connect with and really want to help I’ll share a bit of a caveat; share just enough to get them off your backs so they can leave you alone. But we all know the office busy body who you give an inch will want the whole freakin’ mile and then some. How do you handle that? How do you get to a point where you are seen without sharing every intimate detail about your doctor’s appointment, who you went out with over the weekend, and what you did? I honestly don’t know the answer and am tired. You give them what they want only to end up in some shallow fake ass conversation that won’t really go anywhere knowing full well this person will not invest the effort to go deeper and that I don’t want them to.

I’m home sitting after what would otherwise be considered a decent day, but I’m stuck on the fact that once again I was told to, “put myself out there.” Why? Why must I always be the one to put myself out there and no one else has to put in the effort to ask if they have the organization that allows people to be able to do so, or if they have the personality/leadership style for it either?

I’m realistic and read enough at this point to know that I need to step back and look at the feedback constructively, but I will admit that it is hard to do. I may come to a realization. However, right now I’m angry! Angry at them for not seeing that they don’t have an organization, team, or leadership style that makes me want to do that and angry at myself for having to be told to once again do so after I already feel like I have done so. I mean what more information do you want?

I feel like too much more and it borders on you trying to get into spaces and get information that you haven’t earned. I’m trying hard to be objective. I’m trying hard to see this as a learning and figure out how to change things up but I’m also dead ass tired.

I told my boss once that I was an introvert and it isn’t easy for me to share. Plus, I wasn’t raised like that. I was raised under the adage, “what happens in our house, stays in our house. Don’t you take our business and put it out in the streets.” It is hard to let that go and for what? What is the reward for what I perceive as a substantial risk?

I ended up giving my boss three things they could ask about that I would be acceptable, but you know what, they rarely asked? It was writing comics and my favorite male singer. They had no interest in asking me about any of that. I take that back, they may have asked what I was listening to in my office and I told them, and the response was, “I should have known,” but that was it.

My belief is you have to have the type of personality and leadership style that makes it easy to open up. I’ve had leaders who I have been able to do so and got more open over time, but you can’t just expect someone to do it the first time you meet or as soon as you join an organization.

I’m well aware there is a lesson in this, and I will learn something out of being told (again) to open up, but what do you want to know?! Geez. My life (at least as I see it) is pretty boring so when you ask what I did on the weekend and I say nothing or just do some Netflix watching, nine times out of ten, that is exactly what I did. I’m not hiding anything from you. I’m not a social butterfly (socially awkward would be more accurate) and I’m single and it’s not like my pet and I sit around and invite people over and have wild house parties.

I’m just exhausted! Even more, so that I was told this today by a black leader. It took me back to me telling other people who visited me the same information. I would like to think the difference was I understood that it isn’t easy. I know what we’ve been told. I’m not sure that I felt the same this time around. That is not to take anything away from that person or to assume that they should have their black card revoked. We are all in different places and understanding where we are and where we come from, it could help us be a stronger community, but…I don’t know. I just feel defeated.

In the past when things like this happen, I would take the position of, “I’m just not going to say anything” or, “I give up,” but the whole purpose of all of this is to do things differently and to find different ways to sort out my thoughts and get to the root of the issue. I don’t know what this means or how to move forward from this but need to figure it out. I know it is not telling my life story at the next staff meeting or automatically trusting everyone who stops by my office.

I still need to process the chat overall and determine what resonates and what doesn’t and then integrate that into my personality. When I figure that out, I’ll be sure to let you know.

TALK BACK: How would you handle this situation?

Quick Hits:

· Listen to all feedback

· Take what resonates

· Leave behind the rest

Learnings:

· Don’t let anyone give you tactics and expect you to follow them especially if they aren’t willing to make any effort to meet you halfway.

· Stay objective and if you have to process something do so. Don’t make decisions on the spot.

· Know when you have to stop what you are doing and adjust your own tactics.

- Invisible Man